sundry foreign languages and
literature in his lighter moments,
an inquirer into sociology, a theoretical
musician though his
playing of the organ excruciated most people because it was too
correct, a really
first-class authority upon flint instruments
and the best
grower of garden vegetables in the county, also of
apples--such were some of his attainments. That was what made his
sermons so popular, since at times one or the other of these
subjects would break out into them, his theory being that God
spoke to us through all of these things.
But if I began to drift into an
analysis of my father's
abilities, I should never stop. It would take a book to describe
them. And yet mark this, with them all his name is as dead to the
world to-day as though he had never been. Light reflected from a
hundred facets dissipates itself in space and is lost; that
concentrated in one
tremendous ray pierces to the stars.
Now I am going to be frank about myself, for without frankness
what is the value of such a record as this? Then it becomes
simply another convention, or rather
conventional method of
expressing the octoroon kind of truths with which the highly
civilised races feed themselves, as fastidious ladies eat cakes
and bread from which all but the smallest
particle of nourishment
has been extracted.
The fact is,
therefore, that I inherited most of my father's
abilities, except his love for flint instruments which always
bored me to distraction, because although they are by association
really the most human of things, somehow to me they never convey
any idea of
humanity. In
addition I have a practical side which
he lacked; had he possessed it surely he must have become an
archbishop instead of dying the vicar of an unknown
parish. Also
I have a
spiritual sense, mayhap mystical would be a better term,
which with all this religion was
missing from my father's nature.
For I think that
notwithstanding his
charity and
devotion he
never quite got away from the shell of things, never
cracked it
and set his teeth in the
kernel which alone can feed our souls.
His keen
intellect, to take an example, recognised every one of
the difficulties of our faith and flashed
hither and t
hither in
the darkness, seeking
explanation, seeking light,
trying to
reconcile, to explain. He was not great enough to put all this
aside and go straight to the informing Soul beneath that strives
to express itself everywhere, even through those husks which are
called the World, the Flesh and the Devil, and as yet does not
always quite succeed.
It is this boggling over exteriors, this peering into pitfalls,
this desire to prove that what such senses as we have tell us is
impossible, is in fact possible, which causes the
overthrow of
many an
earnest, seeking heart and renders its work, conducted on
false lines, quite nugatory. These will trust to themselves and
their own
intelligence and not be content to spring from the
cliffs of human experience into the
everlasting arms of that
Infinite which are stretched out to receive them and to give them
rest and the keys of knowledge. When will man learn what was
taught to him of old, that faith is the only plank
wherewith he
can float upon this sea and that his
miserable works avail him
nothing; also that it is a plank made of many sorts of wood,
perhaps to suit our different weights?
So to be honest, in a sense I believe myself to be my father's
superior, and I know that he agreed with me. Perhaps this is
owing to the blood of my Scotch mother which mixed well with his
own; perhaps because the
essential spirit given to me, though
cast in his mould, was in fact quite different--or of another
alloy. Do we, I wonder, really understand that there are millions
and billions of these alloys, so many indeed that Nature, or
whatever is behind Nature, never uses the same twice over? That
is why no two human beings are or ever will be quite
identical.
Their flesh, the body of their
humiliation, is
identical in all,
any
chemist will prove it to you, but that which animates the
flesh is
distinct and different because it comes from the home of
that
infinitevariety which is necessary to the ultimate
evolution of the good and bad that we symbolise as heaven and
hell.
Further, I had and to a certain
extent still have another
advantage over my father, which certainly came to me from my
mother, who was, as I judge from all descriptions and such