Poor was FREDERICK'S lot in life, -
A dustman he with a fair young wife,
A
worthy man with a hard-earned store,
A hundred and seventy pounds - or more.
FREDERICK came, and he said, "Maybe
You'll say what you happened to want with me?"
"Wronged boy," said PALEY VOLLAIRE, "I will,
But don't you fidget yourself - sit still."
THE TERRIBLE TALE.
"'Tis now some thirty-seven years ago
Since first began the plot that I'm revealing,
A fine young woman, whom you ought to know,
Lived with her husband down in Drum Lane, Ealing.
Herself by means of mangling reimbursing,
And now and then (at intervals) wet-nursing.
"Two little babes dwelt in their
humble cot:
One was her own - the other only lent to her:
HER OWN SHE SLIGHTED. Tempted by a lot
Of gold and silver
regularly sent to her,
She ministered unto the little other
In the
capacity of foster-mother.
"I WAS HER OWN. Oh! how I lay and sobbed
In my poor
cradle - deeply, deeply cursing
The rich man's pampered bantling, who had robbed
My only
birthright - an
attentive nursing!
Sometimes in
hatred of my foster-brother,
I gnashed my gums - which terrified my mother.
"One day - it was quite early in the week -
I IN MY CRADLE HAVING PLACED THE BANTLING -
Crept into his! He had not
learnt to speak,
But I could see his face with anger mantling.
It was imprudent - well,
disgraceful maybe,
For, oh! I was a bad, blackhearted baby!
"So great a
luxury was food, I think
No wickedness but I was game to try for it.
NOW if I wanted anything to drink
At any time, I only had to cry for it!
ONCE, if I dared to weep, the bottle lacking,
My blubbering involved a serious smacking!
"We grew up in the usual way - my friend,
My foster-brother, daily growing thinner,
While gradually I began to mend,
And thrived
amazingly on double dinner.
And every one, besides my foster-mother,
Believed that either of us was the other.
"I came into HIS
wealth - I bore HIS name,
I bear it still - HIS property I squandered -
I mortgaged everything - and now (oh, shame!)
Into a Somers Town shake-down I've wandered!
I am no PALEY - no, VOLLAIRE - it's true, my boy!
The only
rightful PALEY V. is YOU, my boy!
"And all I have is yours - and yours is mine.
I still may place you in your true position:
Give me the pounds you've saved, and I'll resign
My noble name, my rank, and my condition.
So far my wickedness in falsely owning
Your vasty
wealth, I am at last atoning!"
* * * * * * *
FREDERICK he was a simple soul,
He pulled from his pocket a bulky roll,
And gave to PALEY his hard-earned store,
A hundred and seventy pounds or more.
PALEY VOLLAIRE, with many a groan,
Gave FREDERICK all that he called his own, -
Two shirts and a sock, and a vest of jean,
A Wellington boot and a
bamboo cane.
And FRED (entitled to all things there)
He took the fever from MR. VOLLAIRE,
Which killed poor FREDERICK WEST. Meanwhile
VOLLAIRE sailed off to Madeira's isle.
Ballad: The Captain And The Mermaids
I sing a legend of the sea,
So hard-a-port upon your lee!
A ship on starboard tack!
She's bound upon a private
cruise -
(This is the kind of spice I use
To give a salt-sea smack).
Behold, on every afternoon
(Save in a gale or strong Monsoon)
Great CAPTAIN CAPEL CLEGGS
(Great morally, though rather short)
Sat at an open weather-port
And aired his shapely legs.
And Mermaids hung around in flocks,
On cable chains and distant rocks,
To gaze upon those limbs;
For legs like those, of flesh and bone,
Are things "not generally known"
To any Merman TIMBS.
But Mermen didn't seem to care
Much time (as far as I'm aware)
With CLEGGS'S legs to spend;
Though Mermaids swam around all day
And gazed, exclaiming, "THAT'S the way
A gentleman should end!
"A pair of legs with well-cut knees,
And
calves and ankles such as these
Which we in
rapture hail,
Are far more
eloquent, it's clear
(When clothed in silk and kerseymere),
Than any nasty tail."
And CLEGGS - a
worthy kind old boy -
Rejoiced to add to others' joy,
And, when the day was dry,
Because it pleased the lookers-on,
He sat from morn till night - though con-
Stitutionally shy.
At first the Mermen laughed, "Pooh! pooh!"
But finally they
jealous grew,
And sounded loud recalls;
But
vainly. So these fishy males
Declared they too would clothe their tails
In
silken hose and smalls.
They set to work, these water-men,
And made their
nether robes - but when
They drew with
dainty touch
The kerseymere upon their tails,
They found it scraped against their scales,
And hurt them very much.
The silk, besides, with which they chose
To deck their tails by way of hose
(They never thought of shoon),
For such a use was much too thin, -
It tore against the caudal fin,
And "went in ladders" soon.
So they designed another plan:
They sent their most seductive man
This note to him to show -
"Our Monarch sends to CAPTAIN CLEGGS
His
humble compliments, and begs
He'll join him down below;
"We've pleasant homes below the sea -
Besides, if CAPTAIN CLEGGS should be
(As our advices say)
A judge of Mermaids, he will find
Our lady-fish of every kind
Inspection will repay."
Good CAPEL sent a kind reply,
For CAPEL thought he could descry
An
admirable plan
To study all their ways and laws -
(But not their lady-fish, because
He was a married man).
The Merman sank - the Captain too
Jumped
overboard, and dropped from view
Like stone from catapult;
And when he reached the Merman's lair,
He certainly was welcomed there,
But, ah! with what result?
They didn't let him learn their law,
Or make a note of what he saw,
Or interesting mem.:
The lady-fish he couldn't find,
But that, of course, he didn't mind -
He didn't come for them.
For though, when CAPTAIN CAPEL sank,
The Mermen drawn in double rank
Gave him a
hearty hail,
Yet when secure of CAPTAIN CLEGGS,
They cut off both his lovely legs,
And gave him SUCH a tail!
When CAPTAIN CLEGGS returned aboard,
His blithesome crew convulsive roar'd,
To see him altered so.
The Admiralty did insist
That he upon the Half-pay List
Immediately should go.
In vain declared the poor old salt,
"It's my
misfortune - not my fault,"
With tear and trembling lip -
In vain poor CAPEL begged and begged.
"A man must be completely legged
Who rules a British ship."
So spake the stern First Lord aloud -
He was a wag, though very proud,
And much rejoiced to say,
"You're only half a captain now -
And so, my
worthy friend, I vow
You'll only get half-pay!"
Ballad: Annie Protheroe. A Legend of Stratford-Le-Bow
Oh! listen to the tale of little ANNIE PROTHEROE.
She kept a small
post-office in the neighbourhood of BOW;
She loved a
skilledmechanic, who was famous in his day -
A gentle executioner whose name was GILBERT CLAY.
I think I hear you say, "A
dreadful subject for your rhymes!"
O reader, do not
shrink - he didn't live in modern times!
He lived so long ago (the
sketch will show it at a glance)
That all his actions
glitter with the lime-light of Romance.
In busy times he laboured at his gentle craft all day -
"No doubt you mean his Cal-craft," you amusingly will say -
But, no - he didn't
operate with common bits of string,
He was a Public Headsman, which is quite another thing.
And when his work was over, they would
ramble o'er the lea,
And sit beneath the frondage of an elderberry tree,
And ANNIE'S simple prattle entertained him on his walk,
For public executions formed the subject of her talk.
And sometimes he'd explain to her, which charmed her very
much,
How famous operators vary very much in touch,
And then, perhaps, he'd show how he himself performed the
trick,