anniversary, he had seen so
intensely bowed, and of whose tragic
face he had had so flitting a
vision. Given the time that had
passed, his
recollection of her was fresh enough to make him
wonder. Of himself she had of course no
impression, or rather had
had none at first: the time came when her manner of transacting
her business suggested her having gradually guessed his call to be
of the same order. She used his altar for her own purpose - he
could only hope that sad and
solitary as she always struck him, she
used it for her own Dead. There were interruptions, infidelities,
all on his part, calls to other associations and duties; but as the
months went on he found her
whenever he returned, and he ended by
taking pleasure in the thought that he had given her almost the
contentment he had given himself. They
worshipped side by side so
often that there were moments when he wished he might be sure, so
straight did their
prospect stretch away of growing old together in
their rites. She was younger than he, but she looked as if her
Dead were at least as numerous as his candles. She had no colour,
no sound, no fault, and another of the things about which he had
made up his mind was that she had no fortune. Always black-robed,
she must have had a
succession of sorrows. People weren't poor,
after all, whom so many losses could
overtake; they were positively
rich when they had had so much to give up. But the air of this
devoted and
indifferent woman, who always made, in any attitude, a
beautiful
accidental line, conveyed somehow to Stransom that she
had known more kinds of trouble than one.
He had a great love of music and little time for the joy of it; but
occasionally, when workaday noises were muffled by Saturday
afternoons, it used to come back to him that there were glories.
There were
moreover friends who reminded him of this and side by
side with whom he found himself sitting out concerts. On one of
these winter afternoons, in St. James's Hall, he became aware after
he had seated himself that the lady he had so often seen at church
was in the place next him and was
evidently alone, as he also this
time happened to be. She was at first too absorbed in the
consideration of the programme to heed him, but when she at last
glanced at him he took
advantage of the
movement to speak to her,
greeting her with the remark that he felt as if he already knew
her. She smiled as she said "Oh yes, I recognise you"; yet in
spite of this
admission of long
acquaintance it was the first he
had seen of her smile. The effect of it was suddenly to contribute
more to that
acquaintance than all the
previous meetings had done.
He hadn't "taken in," he said to himself, that she was so pretty.
Later, that evening - it was while he rolled along in a hansom on
his way to dine out - he added that he hadn't taken in that she was
so interesting. The next morning in the midst of his work he quite
suddenly and irrelevantly reflected that his
impression of her,
beginning so far back, was like a winding river that had at last
reached the sea.
His work in fact was blurred a little all that day by the sense of
what had now passed between them. It wasn't much, but it had just
made the difference. They had listened together to Beethoven and
Schumann; they had talked in the pauses, and at the end, when at
the door, to which they moved together, he had asked her if he
could help her in the matter of getting away. She had thanked him
and put up her
umbrella, slipping into the crowd without an
allusion to their meeting yet again and leaving him to remember at
leisure that not a word had been exchanged about the usual scene of
that
coincidence. This
omission struck him now as natural and then
again as perverse. She mightn't in the least have allowed his
warrant for
speaking to her, and yet if she hadn't he would have
judged her an underbred woman. It was odd that when nothing had
really ever brought them together he should have been able
successfully to assume they were in a manner old friends - that
this
negative quantity was somehow more than they could express.
His success, it was true, had been qualified by her quick escape,
so that there grew up in him an
absurd desire to put it to some
better test. Save in so far as some other poor chance might help
him, such a test could be only to meet her afresh at church. Left
to himself he would have gone to church the very next afternoon,
just for the
curiosity of
seeing if he should find her there. But
he wasn't left to himself, a fact he discovered quite at the last,
after he had
virtually made up his mind to go. The influence that
kept him away really revealed to him how little to himself his Dead
EVER left him. He went only for THEM - for nothing else in the
world.
The force of this revulsion kept him away ten days: he hated to
connect the place with anything but his offices or to give a
glimpse of the
curiosity that had been on the point of moving him.
It was
absurd to weave a
tangle about a matter so simple as a
custom of
devotion that might with ease have been daily or hourly;
yet the
tangle got itself woven. He was sorry, he was
disappointed: it was as if a long happy spell had been broken and
he had lost a familiar
security. At the last, however, he asked
himself if he was to stay away for ever from the fear of this
muddle about motives. After an
interval neither longer nor shorter
than usual he re-entered the church with a clear
conviction that he
should scarcely heed the presence or the
absence of the lady of the
concert. This
indifference didn't prevent his at once noting that
for the only time since he had first seen her she wasn't on the
spot. He had now no
scruple about giving her time to arrive, but
she didn't arrive, and when he went away still
missing her he was
profanely and consentingly sorry. If her
absence made the
tanglemore
intricate, that was all her own doing. By the end of another
year it was very
intricate indeed; but by that time he didn't in
the least care, and it was only his
cultivatedconsciousness that
had given him
scruples. Three times in three months he had gone to
church without
finding her, and he felt he hadn't needed these
occasions to show him his
suspense had dropped. Yet it was,
incongruously, not
indifference, but a
refinement of
delicacy that
had kept him from asking the sacristan, who would of course
immediately have recognised his
description of her, whether she had
been seen at other hours. His
delicacy had kept him from asking
any question about her at any time, and it was exactly the same
virtue that had left him so free to be decently civil to her at the
concert.
This happy
advantage now served him anew, enabling him when she
finally met his eyes - it was after a fourth trial - to
predetermine quite fixedly his awaiting her
retreat. He joined her
in the street as soon as she had moved, asking her if he might
accompany her a certain distance. With her
placidpermission he
went as far as a house in the neighbourhood at which she had
business: she let him know it was not where she lived. She lived,
as she said, in a mere slum, with an old aunt, a person in
connexion with whom she spoke of the engrossment of humdrum duties
and regular occupations. She wasn't, the
mourning niece, in her
first youth, and her vanished
freshness had left something behind
that, for Stransom, represented the proof it had been tragically
sacrificed. Whatever she gave him the
assurance of she gave
without
references. She might have been a divorced
duchess - she
might have been an old maid who taught the harp.
CHAPTER V.
THEY fell at last into the way of walking together almost every
time they met, though for a long time still they never met but at
church. He couldn't ask her to come and see him, and as if she
hadn't a proper place to receive him she never invited her friend.
As much as himself she knew the world of London, but from an
undiscussed
instinct of
privacy they
haunted the region not mapped
on the social chart. On the return she always made him leave her
at the same corner. She looked with him, as a pretext for a pause,
at the
depressed things in
suburban shop-fronts; and there was