to try it. I bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened
through tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. I
called out Carrie, who said: "You've always got some newfangled
craze;" but she was obliged to admit that the flower-pots looked
remarkably well. Went
upstairs into the servant's bedroom and
painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers. To my
mind it was an
extraordinaryimprovement, but as an example of the
ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our servant,
Sarah, on
seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said
"she thought they looked very well as they was before."
April 26. - Got some more red
enamel paint (red, to my mind, being
the best colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of
our SHAKSPEARE, the
binding of which had almost worn out.
April 27. - Painted the bath red, and was
delighted with the
result. Sorry to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words
about it. She said I ought to have
consulted her, and she had
never heard of such a thing as a bath being painted red. I
replied: "It's merely a matter of taste."
Fortunately, further
argument on the subject was stopped by a voice
saying, "May I come in?" It was only Cummings, who said, "Your
maid opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as
she was wringing out some socks." I was
delighted to see him, and
suggested we should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way
of
merriment said: "You can be the dummy." Cummings (I thought
rather ill-naturedly) replied: "Funny as usual." He said he
couldn't stop, he only called to leave me the BICYCLE NEWS, as he
had done with it.
Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he "must
apologise for coming so often, and that one of these days we must
come round to HIM." I said: "A very
extraordinary thing has
struck me." "Something funny, as usual," said Cummings. "Yes," I
replied; "I think even you will say so this time. It's concerning
you both; for doesn't it seem odd that Gowing's always coming and
Cummings' always going?" Carrie, who had
evidently quite forgotten
about the bath, went into fits of
laughter, and as for myself, I
fairly doubled up in my chair, till it
cracked beneath me. I think
this was one of the best jokes I have ever made.
Then imagine my
astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing
perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces. After rather
an
unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed
it up again and said: "Yes - I think, after that, I SHALL be
going, and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes." Gowing
said he didn't mind a joke when it wasn't rude, but a pun on a
name, to his thinking, was certainly a little
wanting in good
taste. Cummings followed it up by
saying, if it had been said by
anyone else but myself, he shouldn't have entered the house again.
This rather
unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful
evening. However, it was as well they went, for the charwoman had
finished up the remains of the cold pork.
April 28. - At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who
was very impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told
him it would be my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the
principal. To
my surprise, Pitt apologised most
humbly and in a most gentlemanly
fashion. I was unfeignedly pleased to notice this
improvement in
his manner towards me, and told him I would look over his
unpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later. I received a
smart smack in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard foolscap. I
turned round
sharply, but all the clerks were
apparently riveted to
their work. I am not a rich man, but I would give half-a-sovereign
to know whether that was thrown by accident or design. Went home
early and bought some more
enamel paint - black this time - and
spent the evening
touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an
old pair of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted
Gowing's walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like
ebony.
April 29, Sunday. - Woke up with a
fearfulheadache and strong
symptoms of a cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like
her, said it was "painter's colic," and was the result of my having
spent the last few days with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her
firmly that I knew a great deal better what was the matter with me
than she did. I had got a chill, and
decided to have a bath as hot
as I could bear it. Bath ready - could scarcely bear it so hot. I
persevered, and got in; very hot, but very
acceptable. I lay still
for some time.
On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I
experienced the
greatest
fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for
imagine my
horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of
blood. My first thought was that I had ruptured an
artery, and was
bleeding to death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like
a second Marat, as I remember
seeing him in Madame Tussaud's. My
second thought was to ring the bell, but remembered there was no
bell to ring. My third was, that there was nothing but the
enamelpaint, which had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of
the bath,
perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have
seen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not to say a
word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint
the bath white.
CHAPTER IV.
The ball at the Mansion House.
April 30. - Perfectly astounded at receiving an
invitation for
Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion
House, to "meet the Representatives of Trades and Commerce." My
heart beat like that of a schoolboy's. Carrie and I read the
invitation over two or three times. I could scarcely eat my
breakfast. I said - and I felt it from the bottom of my heart, -
"Carrie
darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of
the church on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not
surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady
Mayoress at the Mansion House." I saw the tears in Carrie's eyes,
and she said: "Charlie dear, it is I who have to be proud of you.
And I am very, very proud of you. You have called me pretty; and
as long as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy. You, dear old
Charlie, are not handsome, but you are GOOD, which is far more
noble." I gave her a kiss, and she said: "I wonder if there will
be any dancing? I have not danced with you for years."
I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the
waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of
polka when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: "There is a man,
mum, at the door who wants to know if you want any good coals."
Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening in answering, and tearing
up again, the reply to the Mansion House, having left word with
Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we were not at home. Must
consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor's
invitation.
May 1. - Carrie said: "I should like to send mother the
invitationto look at." I consented, as soon as I had answered it. I told
Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, that we had
received an
invitation to the Mansion House; and he said, to my
astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord Mayor's
secretary. I felt this rather discounted the value of the
invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me, he described how
I was to answer it. I felt the reply was too simple; but of course
Mr. Perkupp knows best.
May 2. - Sent my dress-coat and
trousers to the little
tailor's
round the corner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not
to call next Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent
similar note to Cummings.
May 3. - Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to
consult about her
dress for next Monday. While
speakingincidentally to Spotch, one
of our head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: "Oh, I'm
asked, but don't think I shall go." When a
vulgar man like Spotch
is asked, I feel my
invitation is
considerably discounted. In the
evening, while I was out, the little
tailor brought round my coat
and
trousers, and because Sarah had not a
shilling to pay for the
pressing, he took them away again.
May 4. - Carrie's mother returned the Lord Mayor's
invitation,
which was sent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a
glass of port over it. I was too angry to say anything.
May 5. - Bought a pair of
lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and
two white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.
May 6, Sunday. - A very dull
sermon, during which, I regret to say,
I twice thought of the Mansion House
reception to-morrow.
May 7. - A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor's
reception.
The whole house upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as
Carrie wanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from
Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it unreasonable
that she should require the entire attention of Sarah, the servant,
as well. Sarah kept
running out of the house to fetch "something
for missis," and several times I had, in my full evening-dress, to
answer the back-door.
The last time it was the greengrocer's boy, who, not
seeing it was
me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two
cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I
indignantly threw them on
the ground, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to
box the boy's ears. He went away crying, and said he should
summons me, a thing I would not have happen for the world. In the
dark, I stepped on a piece of the
cabbage, which brought me down on
the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I
recovered I crawled
upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking
into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my
shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the
knee.
However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed
in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin,
and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine
o'clock Carrie swept into the room, looking like a queen. Never
have I seen her look so lovely, or so
distinguished. She was
wearing a satin dress of sky-blue - my favourite colour - and a
piece of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to
give a finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long
behind, and
decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it
was E LA MODE. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of
ivory with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was
priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle - a bird now
extinct. I preferred the little white fan which Carrie bought for
three-and-six at Shoolbred's, but both ladies sat on me at once.
We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather
fortunate, for I had an opportunity of
speaking to his lordship,
who
graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I
must say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr.
Perkupp, our
principal.
I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who
did not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall
never forget the grand sight. My
humble pen can never describe it.
I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who kept
saying: "Isn't it a
pity we don't know anybody?"
Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like
Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized
me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: "Don't leave me,"
which caused an
elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain
round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an
immense crowd in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid
supper - any
amount of champagne.
Carrie made a most
hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I
sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she
did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving
a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my
amazement, saw
Farmerson, our ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way:
"This is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh?" I simply looked at
him, and said
coolly: "I never expected to see you here." He
said, with a loud,
coarse laugh: "I like that - if YOU, why not
ME?" I replied: "Certainly," I wish I could have thought of