The actor's art he cribs, -
A long and a flowing padded gown.
Bedecks his rattling ribs.
He cries, "Go on - begin, begin!
Turn on the light of lime -
I'm dressed for jolly Old Christmas, in
A favourite pantomime!"
The curtain's up - the stage all black -
Time and the year nigh sped -
Time as an
advertising quack -
The Old Year nearly dead.
The wand of Time is waved, and lo!
Revealed Old Christmas stands,
And little children
chuckle and crow,
And laugh and clap their hands.
The cruel old
scoundrel brightens up
At the death of the Olden Year,
And he waves a
gorgeous golden cup,
And bids the world good cheer.
The little ones hail the
festive King, -
No thought can make them sad.
Their
laughter comes with a sounding ring,
They clap and crow like mad!
They only see in the humbug old
A
holiday every year,
And handsome gifts, and joys untold,
And unaccustomed cheer.
The old ones, palsied, blear, and hoar,
Their breasts in
anguish beat -
They've seen him seventy times before,
How well they know the cheat!
They've seen that
ghastly pantomime,
They've felt its blighting breath,
They know that rollicking Christmas-time
Meant Cold and Want and Death, -
Starvation - Poor Law Union fare -
And
deadly cramps and chills,
And
illness -
illness everywhere,
And crime, and Christmas bills.
They know Old Christmas well, I ween,
Those men of ripened age;
They've often, often, often seen
That Actor off the stage!
They see in his gay rotundity
A
clumsy stuffed-out dress -
They see in the cup he waves on high
A tinselled emptiness.
Those aged men so lean and wan,
They've seen it all before,
They know they'll see the charlatan
But twice or three times more.
And so they bear with dance and song,
And
crimson foil and green,
They
wearily sit, and
grimly long
For the Transformation Scene.
Ballad: HAUNTED.
HAUNTED? Ay, in a social way
By a body of ghosts in dread array;
But no
conventional spectres they -
Appalling, grim, and tricky:
I quail at mine as I'd never quail
At a fine
traditional spectre pale,
With a
turnip head and a
ghostly wail,
And a
splash of blood on the dickey!
Mine are
horrible, social ghosts, -
Speeches and women and guests and hosts,
Weddings and morning calls and toasts,
In every bad variety:
Ghosts who hover about the grave
Of all that's manly, free, and brave:
You'll find their names on the architrave
Of that charnel-house, Society.
Black Monday - black as its school-room ink -
With its
dismal boys that snivel and think
Of its nauseous messes to eat and drink,
And its
frozen tank to wash in.
That was the first that brought me grief,
And made me weep, till I sought relief
In an emblematical handkerchief,
To choke such baby bosh in.
First and worst in the grim array-
Ghosts of ghosts that have gone their way,
Which I wouldn't
revive for a single day
For all the
wealth of PLUTUS -
Are the
horrible ghosts that school-days scared:
If the
classical ghost that BRUTUS dared
Was the ghost of his "Caesar" unprepared,
I'm sure I pity BRUTUS.
I pass to
critical seventeen;
The ghost of that terrible
wedding scene,
When an
elderly Colonel stole my Queen,
And woke my dream of heaven.
No
schoolgirl decked in her nurse-room curls
Was my gushing
innocent Queen of Pearls;
If she wasn't a girl of a thousand girls,
She was one of forty-seven!
I see the ghost of my first cigar,
Of the thence-arising family jar -
Of my
maiden brief (I was at the Bar,
And I called the Judge "Your wushup!")
Of
reckless days and
reckless nights,
With wrenched-off knockers, extinguished lights,
Unholy songs and tipsy fights,
Which I
strove in vain to hush up.
Ghosts of fraudulent joint-stock banks,
Ghosts of "copy, declined with thanks,"
Of novels returned in endless ranks,
And thousands more, I suffer.
The only line to fitly grace
My
humble tomb, when I've run my race,
Is, "Reader, this is the resting-place
Of an
unsuccessful duffer."
I've fought them all, these ghosts of mine,
But the weapons I've used are sighs and brine,
And now that I'm nearly forty-nine,
Old age is my chiefest bogy;
For my hair is thinning away at the crown,
And the silver fights with the worn-out brown;
And a general
verdict sets me down
As an irreclaimable fogy.
Footnotes:
(1) A
version of this
ballad is published as a Song, by Mr.
Jeffreys, Soho Square.
(2) This
ballad is published as a Song, under the title "If," by
Messrs. Cramer and Co.
(3) "Go with me to a Notary - seal me there
Your single bond." - MERCHANT OF VENICE, Act I., sc. 3.
(4) "And there shall she, at Friar Lawrence' cell,
Be shrived and married." - ROMEO AND JULIET, Act II., sc. 4.
(5) "And give the fasting horses provender." - HENRY THE FIFTH, Act
IV., sc. 2.
(6) "Let us, like merchants, show our foulest wares." - TROILUS AND
CRESSIDA, Act I., sc. 3.
(7) "Then must the Jew be merciful." - MERCHANT OF VENICE, Act IV.,
sc. 1.
(8) "The spring, the summer,
The chilling autumn, angry winter, change
Their wonted liveries." - MIDSUMMER NIGHT DREAM, Act IV., sc. 1.
(9) "In the county of Glo'ster, justice of the peace and CORAM."
MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR, Act I., sc. 1.
(10) "What lusty
trumpet thus doth
summon us?" - KING JOHN, Act V.,
sc. 2.
(11) "And I'll provide his executioner." - HENRY THE SIXTH (Second
Part), Act III., sc. 1.
(12) "The lioness had torn some flesh away,
Which all this while had bled." - AS YOU LIKE IT, Act IV., sc. 3.
(13) Described by MUNGO PARK.
(14) "Like a bird." - SLANG EXPRESSION.
(15) Reprinted from the "The Graphic," by
permission of the
proprietors.
End