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something better to say. He said: "Can I get your good lady
anything?" Carrie said: "No, I thank you," for which I was

pleased. I said, by way of reproof to him: "You never sent to-day
to paint the bath, as I requested." Farmerson said: "Pardon me,

Mr. Pooter, no shop when we're in company, please."
Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court

costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old
friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was

astonished. For full five minutes they stood roaring with
laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs. They kept

telling each other they didn't look a day older. They began
embracing each other and drinking champagne.

To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of
our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson

seized me rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff,
said: "Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter." He did not even

say "Mister." The sheriff handed me a glass of champagne. I felt,
after all, it was a great honour to drink a glass of wine with him,

and I told him so. We stood chatting for some time, and at last I
said: "You must excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter." When I

approached her, she said: "Don't let me take you away from
friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in a crowd, knowing

nobody!"
As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time

nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: "I hope
my darling little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of

saying we had danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord
Mayor." Finding the dancing after supper was less formal, and

knowing how much Carrie used to admire my dancing in the days gone
by, I put my arm round her waist and we commenced a waltz.

A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair of
boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie's advice; namely,

to scratch the soles of them with the points of the scissors or to
put a little wet on them. I had scarcely started when, like

lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came down, the side of
my head striking the floor with such violence that for a second or

two I did not know what had happened. I needly hardly say that
Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breaking the comb in her

hair and grazing her elbow.
There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when

people found that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman
assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly

on the danger of having a plain polished floor with no carpet or
drugget to prevent people slipping. The gentleman, who said his

name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of
wine, an invitation which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept.

I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud
voice "Oh, are you the one who went down?"

I answered with an indignant look.
With execrable taste, he said: "Look here, old man, we are too old

for this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come
and have another glass, that is more in our line."

Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed
the others into the supper-room.

Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunatemishap, felt inclined
to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmerson said: "Are you

going? if so, you might give me a lift."
I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted

Carrie.
CHAPTER V.

After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also
offended. A pleasant party at the Cummings'. Mr. Franching, of

Peckham, visits us.
May 8. - I woke up with a most terrible head-ache. I could

scarcely see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a
crick. I thought first of sending for a doctor; but I did not

think it necessary. When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish's,
the chemist, who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to

get leave to come home. Went to another chemist in the City, and I
got a draught. Brownish's dose seems to have made me worse; have

eaten nothing all day. To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I
spoke to her, answered me sharply - that is, when she answered at

all.
In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: "I do

believe I've been poisoned by the lobstermayonnaise at the Mansion
House last night;" she simply replied, without taking her eyes from

her sewing: "Champagne never did agree with you." I felt
irritated, and said: "What nonsense you talk; I only had a glass

and a half, and you know as well as I do - " Before I could
complete the sentence she bounced out of the room. I sat over an

hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I determined I
would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even

saying "good-night"; leaving me to bar the scullery door and feed
the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning.

May 9. - Still a little shaky, with black specks. The BLACKFRIARS
BI-WEEKLY NEWS contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion

House Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though
Farmerson's is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever

that may mean. More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen
copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLY

NEWS, pointing out their omission.
Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I

helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectlycalmly and
quietly: "Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last

night."
She replied, "Indeed! and I desire something more than a little

explanation of your conduct the night before."
I said, coolly: "Really, I don't understand you."

Carrie said sneeringly: "Probably not; you were scarcely in a
condition to understand anything."

I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated:
"Caroline!"

She said: "Don't be theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve
that tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger."

I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never
seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: "Now I'M

going to say something! After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson,
you permit him to snub YOU, in my presence, and then accept his

invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and you don't
limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, who

made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the
way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in

the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James's expensive fan, which you
knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised; but

you smoked all the way home without having the decency to ask my
permission. That is not all! At the end of the journey, although

he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you
asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from my

manner, that his company was not desirable."
Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make

matters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two
hats on his head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with

Carrie's fur tippet (which he had taken off the downstairs hall-
peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice:

"His Royal Highness, the Lord Mayor!" He marched twice round the
room like a buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: "Hulloh!

what's up? Lovers' quarrel, eh?"
There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: "My dear

Gowing, I'm not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking;
especially when you enter the room without knocking, an act which I

fail to see the fun of."
Gowing said: "I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I

thought you would have sent round." I handed him his stick, which
I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to

improve it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression
and said: "Who did this?"

I said: "Eh, did what?"
He said: "Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my

poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world!
I'll know who did it."

I said: "I'm very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it
for the best."

Gowing said: "Then all I can say is, it's a confounded liberty;
and I WOULD add, you're a bigger fool than you look, only THAT'S

absolutely impossible."
May 12. - Got a single copy of the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLY NEWS.

There was a short list of several names they had omitted; but the
stupid people had mentioned our names as "Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter."

Most annoying! Wrote again and I took particular care to write our
name in capital letters, POOTER, so that there should be no

possible mistake this time.
May 16. - Absolutely disgusted on opening the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLY

NEWS of to-day, to find the following paragraph: "We have received
two letters from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to

announce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House
Ball." I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper basket.

My time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles.
May 21. - The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being

away at Mrs. James's, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I
presume, is still offended with me for black enamelling his stick

without asking him.
May 22. - Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost

seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it
round with nice note to Gowing.

May 23. - Received strange note from Gowing; he said: "Offended?
not a bit, my boy - I thought you were offended with me for losing

my temper. Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old
uncle's stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought

at a tobacconist's. However, I am much obliged to you for your
handsome present all same."

May 24. - Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except
that the sun has caught her nose.

May 25. - Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to
take them to Trillip's round the corner. She said: "The fronts

and cuffs are much frayed." I said without a moment's hesitation:
"I'm 'FRAYED they are." Lor! how we roared. I thought we should

never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the driver
going to town on the 'bus, I told him my joke about the "frayed"

shirts. I thought he would have rolled off his seat. They laughed
at the office a good bit too over it.

May 26. - Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip's. I said to
him: "I'm 'FRAID they are FRAYED." He said, without a smile:

"They're bound to do that, sir." Some people seem to be quite
destitute of a sense of humour.

June 1. - The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back,
and Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat

out in the garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of
children, and played "consequences." It is a good game.

June 2. - "Consequences" again this evening. Not quite so
successful as last night; Gowing having several times overstepped

the limits of good taste.
June 4. - In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs.

Cummings' to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there,
also Mr. Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings

sang five or six songs, "No, Sir," and "The Garden of Sleep," being
best in my humble judgment; but what pleased me most was the duet

she sang with Carrie - classical duet, too. I think it is called,
"I would that my love!" It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in

better voice, I don't think professionals could have sung it
better. After supper we made them sing it again. I never liked

Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday to the "Cow and Hedge,"


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