something better to say. He said: "Can I get your good lady
anything?" Carrie said: "No, I thank you," for which I was
pleased. I said, by way of
reproof to him: "You never sent to-day
to paint the bath, as I requested." Farmerson said: "Pardon me,
Mr. Pooter, no shop when we're in company, please."
Before I could think of a reply, one of the
sheriffs, in full Court
costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old
friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was
astonished. For full five minutes they stood roaring with
laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs. They kept
telling each other they didn't look a day older. They began
embracing each other and drinking
champagne.
To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of
our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson
seized me rather
roughly by the
collar, and addressing the
sheriff,
said: "Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter." He did not even
say "Mister." The
sheriff handed me a glass of
champagne. I felt,
after all, it was a great honour to drink a glass of wine with him,
and I told him so. We stood chatting for some time, and at last I
said: "You must excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter." When I
approached her, she said: "Don't let me take you away from
friends. I am quite happy
standing here alone in a crowd, knowing
nobody!"
As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time
nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: "I hope
my
darling little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of
saying we had danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord
Mayor." Finding the dancing after supper was less
formal, and
knowing how much Carrie used to admire my dancing in the days gone
by, I put my arm round her waist and we commenced a waltz.
A most
unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair of
boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie's advice; namely,
to
scratch the soles of them with the points of the
scissors or to
put a little wet on them. I had scarcely started when, like
lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came down, the side of
my head
striking the floor with such
violence that for a second or
two I did not know what had happened. I needly hardly say that
Carrie fell with me with equal
violence, breaking the comb in her
hair and grazing her elbow.
There was a roar of
laughter, which was immediately checked when
people found that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman
assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly
on the danger of having a plain polished floor with no
carpet or
drugget to prevent people slipping. The gentleman, who said his
name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of
wine, an
invitation which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept.
I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud
voice "Oh, are you the one who went down?"
I answered with an
indignant look.
With execrable taste, he said: "Look here, old man, we are too old
for this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come
and have another glass, that is more in our line."
Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed
the others into the supper-room.
Neither Carrie nor I, after our
unfortunatemishap, felt inclined
to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmerson said: "Are you
going? if so, you might give me a lift."
I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted
Carrie.
CHAPTER V.
After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also
offended. A pleasant party at the Cummings'. Mr. Franching, of
Peckham, visits us.
May 8. - I woke up with a most terrible head-ache. I could
scarcely see, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a
crick. I thought first of sending for a doctor; but I did not
think it necessary. When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish's,
the
chemist, who gave me a
draught. So bad at the office, had to
get leave to come home. Went to another
chemist in the City, and I
got a
draught. Brownish's dose seems to have made me worse; have
eaten nothing all day. To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I
spoke to her, answered me
sharply - that is, when she answered at
all.
In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: "I do
believe I've been poisoned by the
lobstermayonnaise at the Mansion
House last night;" she simply replied, without
taking her eyes from
her
sewing: "Champagne never did agree with you." I felt
irritated, and said: "What
nonsense you talk; I only had a glass
and a half, and you know as well as I do - " Before I could
complete the
sentence she bounced out of the room. I sat over an
hour
waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I determined I
would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even
saying "good-night"; leaving me to bar the scullery door and feed
the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning.
May 9. - Still a little shaky, with black specks. The BLACKFRIARS
BI-WEEKLY NEWS contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion
House Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though
Farmerson's is in
plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever
that may mean. More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen
copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLY
NEWS, pointing out their omission.
Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I
helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said,
perfectlycalmly and
quietly: "Carrie, I wish a little
explanation of your conduct last
night."
She replied, "Indeed! and I desire something more than a little
explanation of your conduct the night before."
I said,
coolly: "Really, I don't understand you."
Carrie said sneeringly: "Probably not; you were scarcely in a
condition to understand anything."
I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated:
"Caroline!"
She said: "Don't be
theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve
that tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger."
I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a
temper such as I have never
seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: "Now I'M
going to say something! After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson,
you permit him to snub YOU, in my presence, and then accept his
invitation to take a glass of
champagne with you, and you don't
limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this
vulgar man, who
made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the
way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in
the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James's
expensive fan, which you
knocked out of my hand, and for which he never even apologised; but
you smoked all the way home without having the
decency to ask my
permission. That is not all! At the end of the journey, although
he did not offer you a
farthing towards his share of the cab, you
asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to
detect, from my
manner, that his company was not desirable."
Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make
matters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two
hats on his head and
holding the garden-rake in his hand, with
Carrie's fur tippet (which he had taken off the
downstairs hall-
peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a loud,
coarse voice:
"His Royal Highness, the Lord Mayor!" He marched twice round the
room like a buffoon, and
finding we took no notice, said: "Hulloh!
what's up? Lovers' quarrel, eh?"
There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: "My dear
Gowing, I'm not very well, and not quite in the
humour for joking;
especially when you enter the room without knocking, an act which I
fail to see the fun of."
Gowing said: "I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I
thought you would have sent round." I handed him his stick, which
I remembered I had painted black with the
enamel paint, thinking to
improve it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression
and said: "Who did this?"
I said: "Eh, did what?"
He said: "Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my
poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world!
I'll know who did it."
I said: "I'm very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it
for the best."
Gowing said: "Then all I can say is, it's a confounded liberty;
and I WOULD add, you're a bigger fool than you look, only THAT'S
absolutely impossible."
May 12. - Got a single copy of the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLY NEWS.
There was a short list of several names they had omitted; but the
stupid people had mentioned our names as "Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter."
Most annoying! Wrote again and I took particular care to write our
name in capital letters, POOTER, so that there should be no
possible mistake this time.
May 16. - Absolutely disgusted on
opening the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLY
NEWS of to-day, to find the following
paragraph: "We have received
two letters from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to
announce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House
Ball." I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper basket.
My time is far too
valuable to
bother about such trifles.
May 21. - The last week or ten days
terribly dull, Carrie being
away at Mrs. James's, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I
presume, is still offended with me for black
enamelling his stick
without asking him.
May 22. - Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost
seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five
shillings), and sent it
round with nice note to Gowing.
May 23. - Received strange note from Gowing; he said: "Offended?
not a bit, my boy - I thought you were offended with me for losing
my
temper. Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old
uncle's stick you painted. It was only a
shilling thing I bought
at a tobacconist's. However, I am much obliged to you for your
handsome present all same."
May 24. - Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks
wonderfully well, except
that the sun has caught her nose.
May 25. - Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to
take them to Trillip's round the corner. She said: "The fronts
and cuffs are much frayed." I said without a moment's hesitation:
"I'm 'FRAYED they are." Lor! how we roared. I thought we should
never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the driver
going to town on the 'bus, I told him my joke about the "frayed"
shirts. I thought he would have rolled off his seat. They laughed
at the office a good bit too over it.
May 26. - Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip's. I said to
him: "I'm 'FRAID they are FRAYED." He said, without a smile:
"They're bound to do that, sir." Some people seem to be quite
destitute of a sense of
humour.
June 1. - The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back,
and Gowing and Cummings
calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat
out in the garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of
children, and played "consequences." It is a good game.
June 2. - "Consequences" again this evening. Not quite so
successful as last night; Gowing having several times overstepped
the limits of good taste.
June 4. - In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs.
Cummings' to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there,
also Mr. Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings
sang five or six songs, "No, Sir," and "The Garden of Sleep," being
best in my
humble judgment; but what pleased me most was the duet
she sang with Carrie -
classical duet, too. I think it is called,
"I would that my love!" It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in
better voice, I don't think professionals could have sung it
better. After supper we made them sing it again. I never liked
Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday to the "Cow and Hedge,"