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obliged to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the
glasses.

I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the
need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking:

offered me another cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began
his usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: "You're not

going to complain of the smell of paint again?" He said: "No, not
this time; but I'll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry rot." I

don't often make jokes, but I replied: "You're talking a lot of
DRY ROT yourself." I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie

said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never was so immensely
tickled by anything I have ever said before. I actually woke up

twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
April 13. - An extraordinarycoincidence: Carrie had called in a

woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and
sofa to prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I

saw the woman, and recognised her as a woman who used to work years
ago for my old aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world

is.
April 14. - Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having

this morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital
little book, in good condition, on GARDENING. I procured and sowed

some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny
border. I thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came

out rather testy, I thought. I said: "I have just discovered we
have got a lodging-house." She replied: "How do you mean?" I

said: "Look at the BOARDERS." Carrie said: "Is that all you
wanted me for?" I said: "Any other time you would have laughed at

my little pleasantry." Carrie said: "Certainly - AT ANY OTHER
TIME, but not when I am busy in the house." The stairs looked very

nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked ALL RIGHT, but it
made the banisters look ALL WRONG, and suggested a coat of paint on

them also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to
Putley, and fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let

the banisters slide. By-the-by, that is rather funny.
April 15, Sunday. - At three o'clock Cummings and Gowing called for

a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them
a friend named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except

Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the
ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.

As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and
Gowing suggested that we should make for "The Cow and Hedge" and

get some tea. Stillbrook said: "A brandy-and-soda was good enough
for him." I reminded them that all public-houses were closed till

six o'clock. Stillbrook said, "That's all right - BONA-FIDE
travellers."

We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the
gate said: "Where from?" I replied: "Holloway." He immediately

put up his arm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a
moment, when I saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and

Gowing, make for the entrance. I watched them, and thought I would
have a good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say: "Where

from?" When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, Stillbrook replied:
"Blackheath," and the three were immediately admitted.

Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: "We shan't be a
minute." I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they

appeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the only one
who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me:

"It was very rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another
spin for S. and B.'s." I walked home in silence; I couldn't speak

to them. I felt very dull all the evening, but deemed it advisable
NOT to say anything to Carrie about the matter.

April 16. - After business, set to work in the garden. When it got
dark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a

wonder; perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday's
adventure at "The Cow and Hedge." Afterwards made up my mind not

to write YET.
April 17. - Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and

Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr.
Stillbrook. Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the

letters and determined not to WRITE at all, but to SPEAK quietly to
them. Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying

that both he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of MY
(mind you, MY) extraordinary conduct coming home on Sunday. At

last I wrote: "I thought I was the aggrieved party; but as I
freely forgive you, you - feeling yourself aggrieved - should

bestow forgiveness on me." I have copied this VERBATIM in the
diary, because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful

sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in my own
heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.

April 18. - Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office
sneezing. In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah

out for a bottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and
woke with the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the front

door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so went up,
opened the door, and found it was only Cummings. Remembered the

grocer's boy had again broken the side-bell. Cummings squeezed my
hand, and said: "I've just seen Gowing. All right. Say no more

about it." There is no doubt they are both under the impression I
have apologised.

While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: "By-
the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just

set up in the trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in
bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. It is worth your while laying

down a few dozen of it." I told him my cellars, which were very
small, were full up. To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah

entered the room, and putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a
dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front of us, said:

"Please, sir, the grocer says he ain't got no more Kinahan, but
you'll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned

on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has
some at one-and-three, as dry as a nut!"

CHAPTER III.
A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of

Sutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre.
Experiments with enamel paint. I make another good joke; but

Gowing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath
red, with unexpected result.

April 19. - Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton,
who is in the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made

himself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him
immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.

He leaned back in his chair and said: "You must take me as I am;"
and I replied: "Yes - and you must take us as we are. We're

homely people, we are not swells."
He answered: "No, I can see that," and Gowing roared with

laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing:
"I don't think you quite understand me. I intended to convey that

our charming host and hostess were superior to the follies of
fashion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to

gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and
living above their incomes."

I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton's,
and concluded that subject by saying: "No, candidly, Mr. Merton,

we don't go into Society, because we do not care for it; and what
with the expense of cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and

white ties, etc., it doesn't seem worth the money."
Merton said in reference to FRIENDS: "My motto is 'Few and True;'

and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, 'Little and Good.'"
Gowing said: "Yes, and sometimes 'cheap and tasty,' eh, old man?"

Merton, still continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and
put me down for a dozen of his "Lockanbar" whisky, and as I was an

old friend of Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was
considerably under what he paid for it.

He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted
any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood

good for any theatre in London.
April 20. - Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie

Fullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton
for a few days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and

would I drop a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four,
either for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote

Merton to that effect.
April 21. - Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and

just at present couldn't manage passes for the Italian Opera,
Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London

was the BROWN BUSHES, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed
seats for four; also bill for whisky.

April 23. - Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meat
tea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a

'bus that took us to King's Cross, and then changed into one that
took us to the "Angel." Mr. James each time insisted on paying for

all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that was quite
enough.

We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our 'bus-load
except an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walked

ahead and presented the tickets. The man looked at them, and
called out: "Mr. Willowly! do you know anything about these?"

holding up my tickets. The gentleman called to, came up and
examined my tickets, and said: "Who gave you these?" I said,

rather indignantly: "Mr. Merton, of course." He said: "Merton?
Who's he?" I answered, rather sharply: "You ought to know, his

name's good at any theatre in London." He replied: "Oh! is it?
Well, it ain't no good here. These tickets, which are not dated,

were issued under Mr. Swinstead's management, which has since
changed hands." While I was having some very unpleasant words with

the man, James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out:
"Come on!" I went up after them, and a very civil attendant said:

"This way, please, box H." I said to James: "Why, how on earth
did you manage it?" and to my horror he replied: "Why, paid for it

of course."
This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play,

but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out
of the box, when my tie - a little black bow which fastened on to

the stud by means of a new patent - fell into the pit below. A
clumsy man not noticing it, had his foot on it for ever so long

before he discovered it. He then picked it up and eventually flung
it under the next seat in disgust. What with the box incident and

the tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, was very
good. He said: "Don't worry - no one will notice it with your

beard. That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see."
There was no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of

my beard.
To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest

of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.
April 24. - Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having

brought up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre
last night, and his having paid for a private box because our order

was not honoured, and such a poor play too. I wrote a very
satirical letter to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the

pass, and said, "Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did
our best to appreciate the performance." I thought this line

rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p's there were in
appreciate, and she said, "One." After I sent off the letter I

looked at the dictionary and found there were two. Awfully vexed
at this.

Decided not to worry myself any more about the James's; for, as
Carrie wisely said, "We'll make it all right with them by asking

them up from Sutton one evening next week to play at Bezique."
April 25. - In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was

working wonders with the new Pinkford's enamel paint, I determined


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