Pain and Growth 痛苦与成长



A. This is an especially crucial issue for parents. Our natural inclination is to try to protect children from pain. We have the mistaken notion that if a child is happy we are doing a good job; if a child is sad we are failing as parents. But giving children the message that happy is good and sad is terrible decreases their capacity to explore the full range of human experiences.



B. Children need to understand that suffering, frustration and failure are not only inevitable but helpful. The parent who took a simple puzzle away from a four-year-old child has dreadful feeling because "he gets too upset and frustrated when he can't get it right immediately,"--did the child a great disservice.



C. In order to feel deeply it is necessary to feel everything. It is impossible to choose. You can't really know how great is your sense of joy at a baby's birth or your satisfaction at succeeding at a hard job unless you are also deeply aware of the anguish of separation and the pain of failure. It's through the capacity to feel that we discover ourselves and others and explore the potential for a full, significant life.





D. Looking back over my life, it seems to me that I have learned the most when I felt the greatest pain. My mother's death, for example, made me more profoundly aware of the beauty in nature. My capacity for finding joy in the most ordinary events (watching a flower open, leaves turning red, a bird taking a bath) seems to deepen each time I live through great sorrow. Death makes life more precious; frustration makes success more fulfilling; failure makes the next accomplishment more meaningful.



E. Children need to experience such feelings as they grow up; it helps them to develop the patience, persistence and ability to cope that they'll need when a scientific experiment fails, or a low grade is received after diligent study. There is nothing so terrible about failing and feeling pain; what hurts in the long run is not trying because of the fear of pain.
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